Originally published on BPM NETWORK.
FIVE PRO-TIPS FOR HAVING A SUCCESSFUL THREESOME WITH DIPLO
The last thing Diplo says before we’re totally alone in his trailer at Lights All Night in Dallas is, “You can open that door again in 5 minutes.” I waited in line outside with the rest of the fanfare that follows him everywhere, only I’m not trying to get my Uncle Dippy Insta-pic. I’m trying to ask him about his sex life, and I am both terrified and schoolgirl-excited about what may or may not happen in this room over the next 5 minutes.
My camera guy lingers. “Uh, you staying?” Wes asks.
“Nope,” I jump in, pointing at the door. “Get the fuck out.” We’re not filming because I’m convinced I won’t get the real story if I put him on the spot like that. After all, we don’t have any press scheduled. I saddled up in the Insta-Dip-Pic line and when it got to be my turn I just made my pitch.
“Hey, this is gonna super sound radical but I’m pretty radical so here it goes – I want to write a story called Five Pro Tips For Having A Successful Threesome With Diplo. How would you feel about that?”
He finally gets off his phone for two seconds and looks like he’s seriously thinking about it before responding. “Well really you just gotta show up.” This brings me to the first tip:
1. Get There Early
Diplo operates on a first come first serve basis (barring any unforeseeable difficulties), and you know there are several babes out there with the same idea as you. Pro-tip #1 – get there early and find the tour manager with the threesome sign-in sheet. “See,” I explain, “I’ve already identified the five tips cause I’ve talked to a couple girls who’ve had three-ways with you. I just want to run them by you and see how they hold up.” At this point we’re still standing in the fanfare.
“Well what’s the next one?” he asks.
2. Bring Your Own Condoms
I’ve made notes on my iPhone that I’m now reading aloud to Diplo while 60 people stare death rays at me cause I’m delaying their DJ-Insta-fantasy. “Bring your own condoms is number two because if you don’t have one or it breaks you’re going to make the least responsible decision in that moment so be prepared.”
He’s smiling and nodding, and the more he nods, the more he smiles til he just busts out laughing. “You’re right.”
I start to read off number three, but it’s getting a little too cray with the Insta-Zombie-Apocalypse so I step back to let him finish his photo rounds. These people just keep coming in droves, it’s fucking relentless and I’m worried I’m going to run out of time to make this happen. I watch his face and when it seems like he can’t stand even one more fucking pose, I jump back in.
“Hey!” I say with a wholly unnecessary snap of my fingers. “Are you gonna finish talking to me or what?”
“Yea,” he says, “Let’s go inside.” He disappears and I have to shove past the clusterfuck to get back up the stairs and in the door, which he’s kindly left open for me.
Now away from the chaos, I can study the Diplodocus more closely. He’s got on a black skinny tie with a bronze diplodocus dinosaur print and a white button up with black jeans – a little underdressed compared to his usual dapper-ass self.
“This is the most wackest suit ever,” he says. “I ran out of everything, everything is dirty. But today is the one day no one can see me cause the decks are all high up so today I’m dirty. I had to get drunk just to be able to look at myself, and it seemed alright once I was drunk. But I looked in the mirror and thought ya, this is the wackest suit ever. Just so you know.”
“Tie makes up for it,” I reply. Soon as my recorder comes on, he asks everyone to leave. I didn’t expect this and as I’m standing there watching the door close, I wonder if he’s going to finish the interview or throw me on the table (cause I do look pretty f-ing good). I’ve seen this guy in action, I know how he operates. He gives me a Tootsie Roll, is it a metaphor? I’m starting to freak out – onto the next tip.
3. Don’t Raid His Snacks
Wes doesn’t follow this one. “I don’t think it goes with the others, you don’t want to get off topic,” he advises. I can’t believe he’s giving me listicle tips, this is amazing.
“Yea but I saw it go down backstage in at Buku in 2012. These girls you had waiting for you in the dressing room ate all the rider almonds and your tour manager threw them the fuck out. Threesome cancelled.”
“For real?” he asks.
“For real. Number three – don’t eat all the snacks, it’s bad form.”
“This brings me to number four…”
4. Keep It Together
“That’s a big one,” he concurs. “Don’t get nervous. Just let it happen.”
“You make a lot of girls nervous?”
“Um…No? Well, it can definitely get awkward but, you just gotta have fun,” he grins, “Give it your best shot!”
“Have you ever been on any kind of booty diet?”
“Booty diet? I’m on one right now actually, I’m not having sex ever again. Just decided yesterday.”
“Really? I also made a similar decision, but I’m only swearing off for Q1 cause I don’t want to make blanket statements for the rest of the year.”
“I’m down, it’s totally better. It’s like being off drinks, get more focused, get a lot more work done for sure. Plus everything I do is so sexual and the music just comes out that way, not on purpose just by accident but it’s getting too messy and crazy. You girls are crazy,” he says.
“It’s so sexually charged – the whole culture. I’m trying to keep it together too.”
I’m so blown away. “Is there a sobriety kick that goes with this booty diet?”
“Um, nah – I drink a little champagne but I don’t really drink that much.”
“What about the DMT on U-Stream?” He’s been on his laptop the last few minutes, but now he looks up.
“You saw that?”
“Oh fuck yea.”
“I don’t do that very often either, you have to be in the right mindset. But Dillon Francis and I did that U-Stream shit back in the day. I want to do it again, that would be a hilarious way to interview people. There’s a Youtube series about doing stuff on sal- salvi, saliva…”
“Right. The series is like, drive your car on salvia, gardening on salvia, write a letter to your Congressman on salvia. The guy basically smokes it, starts doing whatever it is then just falls apart and talks to himself for the next five minutes so nothing ever gets done. That’s how it is on DMT, I want to get your favorite DJ’s and stars and do that – talk to them, do interviews.”
I’m about to piss myself laughing, my five minutes is almost up and I still haven’t asked about number five, the most controversial of the pro-tips. I decide to slip it in last minute like a true professional. “Maybe when we’re done with our booty diets we could get together for an interracial threesome, that’s my fifth pro-tip.”
5. Interracial Is A Plus
“Absolutely,” he replies, “Just find that third and I’m there.”
“Looking forward to it,” I say, shutting off my recorder. “Thanks a lot.”
“I’m going to my first trance show,” he says. “Above and Beyond.” They play before Major Lazer at the Boombox Stage.
“Oh yea? Get some Group Therapy tonight instead?”
“Are we gonna hug it out?”
“Absolutely,” he smiles. “Or just hold hands.”
And in that moment it all clicks. There was some really base part of me that, like so many girls who came before, wanted a piece of hero-ass to carry with me through the rest of this life. But really, what if so many of the girls who throw themselves at him would rather hold hands during ‘Sun & Moon’ feeling super safe and loved by their Uncle Dip?
I foolishly tried to have us captured on film, it did not work at all. Some things are too magical to exist outside the moment and this Diplo experience was above and beyond magic, pun fully and wholeheartedly intended.
“We were in heaven Dip and I. When I dance with him and close my eyes, our fingers touch the sky.” I’ll never get over it – look for Diplo’s incredibly well-tailored pants reopening for business some time in 2014.