I couldn’t really explain to you with words from my mouth-hole why I didn’t feel compelled to go to Coachella this year when I haven’t missed a weekend since 2007, but now that Weekend 1 has come and gone I finally understand. The magic has faded, much like Burning Man, something that was once pure and wholly experiential is now a distended anus of hype and hashtags. Sorry friends, but it’s over.
The Internet’s like, “OMG Molly you didn’t even go so like, how do you even know what you’re talking about?” Here’s a 3 point mini-essay on how I know: 1. I would never pay hard-earned money to go to a festival where David Guetta and The Black Eyed Peas debut their new track. That’s the sort of thing that should be happening at iHeartRadio Music Fest or the International Lowest Form of Pop Music Life Festival. Coachella is where Rage Against the Machine got back together, and now Madonna mouth-raping a little boy who used to be in a wheel-chair is the big talk of the weekend?! SM fuckn’ H, y’all.
2. The spectrum of terrible people who patron this event has expanded so much it can only be quantified by the below image. Instead of Coachilling this year, I opted instead to try Lightning In A Bottle, where I hope there will be zero tolerance for celeb-ing or rape tees. Please LIB, I need you to be here for me – I’m losing hope.
And 3. actually I don’t even need a third point here. From the evolution of artists performing to those in attendance, this festival sucks now and you know it. Was fun while it lasted, and we’ll always have the memories. To everyone still caught in the Coachellian hype machine – there will be other fests, it’s time to move on. If you love something, let it go – if it comes back to you, it’s not as big a douche as it once was and everyone is better for it. That’s just like, my opinion y’all #NoChella.